I consider myself an introvert. A severe introvert! I have social skills but will avoid social situations at all costs. It’s not because I find them uninteresting or don’t want to join in on the fun, it is that my anxiety level can and will go up. Public speaking, performing (Olympic Weightlifting competitions), or large crowds make me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t enjoy small talk. I’m horrible at it! The other day I got off the bus six stops before my normal stop just so I wouldn’t have to engage in a conversation with the bus driver. Oh and did I mention it was pouring rain! I sometimes get a good a laugh at situations like these because it really is silly. I live in a world where to be honest, I am most happy being by myself. My closer friends understand and are accepting of who I am, but for my newer social circle it can be hard to explain this.
This is an issue I am working on. This was the initial reason why I started to participate in Crossfit and Olympic Weightlifting Competitions. Building confidence on and off the court is a life process. Believing and knowing that you have plenty of things to offer yourself, friends and the world is a scary idea. It scares me shitless! Ideas such as, what if I say something stupid, what if I don’t give a good enough answer, what if I don’t ask the right questions, what if I don’t look interested in the conversation and a million other concerns flood my mind. I just get stressed and say, “fuck it, maybe next time.”
Like I said, I am working on this. I have had people mention to me that they could never guess I was nervous or horrible at small talk. Those are BIG milestones for me. Yay! I love everyone and appreciate everyone in my life that accept me for who I am. For this, I know they have accepted my weaknesses and see the best out of me. And because of this, I know I am doing something right.